"Salve!" Welcome to the only Italian newsletter written by journalists who believe Italy needs another political party to protect the interests of lifeguards and jellyfish, "Only In Italy!"

Ciao! I would like to give you a big fat compliment! For telling it like it is! I really, truly, sincerely love your "Only In Italy" newsletter. Because I've been living in this beautiful country for five years now (in Perugia, and who are you calling an ignoramus? Moh!) and I'm constantly amazed at so many things that can only happen in Italy...

For instance, I'm in the process of getting my license, my "patente" (and, purtroppo, I don't have the right contacts or I could probably buy one!), and it is a nightmare driving here. So when, recently, you had pieces about driving in Italy, it made me realize, no, I'm not going mad, what I'm experiencing is perfectly normal...

Etc, etc. You see, human nature being what it is, YOU can say these things, being Italian (just as I could say it about my old country) but as a newcomer here I often have to bite my tongue. I love this country but I'm also a realist -- all countries and cultures have their little quirks. And I do appreciate someone who, like you, at least have a sense of humor about it all! Keep up the good work and the humor! Saluti from Perugia, Bassa

Thanks for the letter, Bassa!

We would like to respond by writing that we are thrilled that you have become a member of this moderately insane asylum called Italy. Perugia and its incredibly efficient motor vehicle department are wonderful parts of Italy even though we would never go there (not even at gun point).

There are many things we love about Perugia; unfortunately, none of them come to mind right now. But I would like for you to sit back, our lovely reader, and drink in the warmth, the humor and the truth that is from the "Only In Italy" newsletter.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,              
"Only In Italy" Staff       

Rome - July 29, 2004 - According to a survey published by the female magazine 'Donna Moderna', many Italians do not use the condom, the most valid mean to defending both from sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies, out of ignorance. A lesser percentage of people were not willing to use it because it made sex less natural and poetic. According to others, it diminishes the sensitivity and is embarrassing.

The survey was conducted with phone calls on a nation wide basis. 600 out of 3,380 people aged 18 to 64, were contacted.

49% of the 600 interviewees claimed to not like the use of condoms out of ignorance. Ignorance meant lack of information and underestimation of the risk.

20% of the interviewees said the condom rendered sexual intercourse less poetic and natural while 12% claimed it diminished sensibility.

According to 8%, the use was embarrassing. Paola Paittella, gynecologist, said that studying the interview was the same as listening to her young patients complain about condom use. They are full of shame and say that the condom is a disagreeable interruption and fear that it made the partner suspect.

According to 4% of the interviewees, condoms costed too much while 2% claimed that it irritated the skin. 1% said it smelled and 4% refused to answer.

"Mamma Mia!" But we're not too worried. Italians would accept this ignorance as another form of Italian art as we do with everything else we don't understand.

Although, Italian men, particularly those from Naples, don't have to wear condoms because they have effective alternatives for avoiding unwanted pregnancies and STDs:

- cheap after shave,
- running around with their shirts half-buttoned (now that's birth control),
- and their alcoholic breath.

Do not assume Italian women are innocent! They refuse to wear diaphragms because they feel it ruins all the spontaneity in sex.

Besides, they insert them wrong. They wear them on the outside like jockstraps.

Milan - August 6, 2004 - Ex-porn star Ilona Staller, once a member of the Italian Parliament, said Friday she would run for mayor of Milan, the Italian financial capital that she says could benefit from having a casino.

Staller, better known by her performing name "Cicciolina," told reporters she hopes to win the 2006 mayor race as an independent so she can make Milan "an exciting place."

"'Exciting' is an ambiguous word, I know, that is why people like it. I want to open a casino in the Sforzesco Castle so City Hall can have more money," she said.

The castle is a 15th-century monument in the heart of Milan that draws tourists and hosts cultural programs.

She is trying to collect 1,000 signatures to get on the Milan ballot. Staller, 52, emigrated from Hungary in the 1970s. She entered politics in 1987 by winning a seat in the Chamber of Deputies, the lower house of Parliament, on the Radical party ticket.

In 1991, she married American pop artist Jeffrey Koons, who had hired her to pose with him in sexually explicit photos, paintings and sculptures exhibited in galleries. They divorced in 1993.

In 2002, she was unsuccessful in efforts to win a seat in the Hungarian parliament and the mayorship of the Italian town of Monza.

"Seriamente" Women's suffrage had a difficult fight in Italy. It wasn't until 1925 that women gained the right to vote, and even then it was only limited. And when Mussolini took power, he rescinded even that meager concession.

Full and total participation for women in the Italian political process simply never existed before the end of World War II. There's no telling how many of those women who first tasted political equality in 1945 went on to elect one of their gender in 1987. Cicciolina wasn't the first female member of the Italian Parliament, but she was doubtless the most famous internationally.

Her public notoriety as a porn star is what drew people to her campaign rallies. That, plus the fact that her political speeches always included a glimpse of her left breast and sometimes even a complete striptease.

After winning a seat in Parliament, Cicciolina continued acting in adult videos for another two years. She proposed on two separate occasions to sleep with Saddam Hussein if he would just agree to end the international conflicts he was causing.

Her most famous and incredibly intelligent quotes:

"I am available to make love with Saddam Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East."

"My breasts have never done anyone any harm, while bin Laden's war has caused thousands of victims."

"I am here not showing my breasts. Now I am speaking about poor people so it is not necessary not because I don't have beautiful breasts... even now. But it's not necessary showing them because poor people have no interest in my breasts."

It must be a comfort to know that she and her left breast sent the 'Women's Movement' back 118 years. And not to mention that her face could be an advertisement for hard liquor.

Sicily - August 15, 2004 - The residents of a small Sicilian village are finally back, and this time, they hope the demons are gone for good.

Since the beginning of this year, the people of Canneto di Caronia have been mystified by strange, spontaneous fires erupting from appliances all over the village, prompting an emergency to be declared and many locals evacuated.

Some residents of Canneto di Caronia blame the devil for sparking mysterious fires

"We cannot risk a tragedy through these fires," mayor Pedro Spinnato told reporters back in January, "so I have no other option but to evacuate the village. We have had electrical engineers in to examine cables and wires but they can find no explanation. It is not just electrical items, furniture is also catching fire for no reason. Already people are blaming the events on evil spirits and I am being asked to get the local priest to perform an exorcism."

The fires continued through the spring, and the country's electric company finally cut all power to the village while scientists tried to determine the cause. The village has since replaced and grounded its wiring, and the bizarre blazes appear to have ceased "at least for now" though experts can't explain why.

"It is not certain that the fires are finished forever," Tullio Martella, the head of Sicily's Civil Protection Agency told reporters. "They were episodic to begin with."

Nino Pezzino was among the first to experience the "hellfire" two days before last Christmas, when his television set suddenly burst into flames.

"I'm Catholic. I believe in the devil. I don't know why the devil is here," he told reporters. "Maybe the problem we're dealing with is technology, but it's not Earth-bound technology."

"If it happens again, I'm bringing in the exorcist," he added.

In fact, as previously reported, a Catholic exorcist was consulted about the phenomenon. Gabriele Amorth, told reporters, "I've seen things like this before."

"Demons occupy a house and appear in electrical goods," he said. "... Let's not forget that Satan and his followers have immense powers."

In cases of demon behavior, the Vatican expert said, "it is normal for domestic appliances to be involved and for demons [to] make their presence known via electricity."

Now that the fires seem to have simmered down, experts are only left with educated guesses and no solid answers.

One hypothesis is that high pressure from under the land's crust caused underground shifts which released electrical energy near the village. Supercharged ions may then have sparked the fires once meeting up with electronic devices in the homes.

But Martella told reporters it could just as easily be some unexplainable atmospheric issue.

"The cause of the fires seems to have been static electric charges," he said. "What we don't understand is why there were these static electric charges."

Gianfranco Allegra of the Italian Center for Electro-Technical Experimentation in Milan was even more clueless.

"No one knows what the cause of these fires are," he told reporters. "They are inexplicable."

Regarding the possibility of an exorcism if the fires flare up again, Pezzino told reporters it would not be done in jest.

"If we're going to do it, we have to do it right," he said. "In order to do it, you need a sacrifice for the immortal gods, like a black goat or a black sheep. You have to dig a hole into the ground, because this is serious."

"Povera gente!"

"I'm Catholic. I believe in the devil. I don't know why the devil is here. Maybe the problem we're dealing with is technology, but it's not Earth-bound technology." That quote is an Italian festival of ignorance! If it's not the devil then it has to be the hot Sicily-bound sun. It over bakes their craniums forcing them to say more stupid things.

"If it happens again, I'm bringing in the exorcist," If you're visiting Sicily and you need to make some quick cash, pick up some garlic, tiny hot peppers, a cross, holy water and stop by Canneto di Caronia. Spread it on their furniture and mumble a few words in English. To be on the safe side, make sure you rid the house and garden of any flammable liquids.

"Demons occupy a house and appear in electrical goods... Let's not forget that Satan and his followers have immense powers."
It's difficult to keep a pair of socks together because they get lost in electrical goods in houses occupied by ignoramuses... Let's not forget it's easier to climb walls when you put handles on them.

"If we're going to do it, we have to do it right. In order to do it, you need a sacrifice for the immortal gods, like a black goat or a black sheep. You have to dig a hole into the ground, because this is serious." Wait! Before they start sacrificing farm animals and hiring local contractors with earth diggers, they should stop for just a moment, take a deep breath and listen to reasoning...like from the fans whirring in the back of their computers.