Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.

Only In Italy is a daily news column that translates & reports on funny but true news items from legitimate Italian news sources in Italy.
Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.Only in Italy is a daily news column that reports funny and weird news on Italy, the mafia, Italian culture and Italian travel.
 
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January 2008
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"Apartheid Sails To Venice"

(01/28/08)

 

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"Buon giorno, cari lettori!" Welcome to the only newsletter that insists the 1 million tons of Naples garbage still lying around should be dumped in the Vesuvius, "Only In Italy!"

Sirs. I'm subscriber to your news letter. But anyway, I'm an Italian-American who very unfortunately ended up in Italy because of family ties (I married an Italian). Italy is a bad place for me, I mean, I just don't like the place.

Almost every where I go, I find a lot of Italians inherently jealous, envious, or also sarcastic right out of the blue sky, for no apparent reason, sometimes I get hit with a sort of hate, right away.

Now, I'm not a sensitive person, but where I come from, back in New York, if someone gets to be a wise ass, he gets his nose flattened and/or shot as you well know. But anyway, long story, here where I live there is a SOB who bothers me in his Native Napolitano language and well, sure I understand Italian but this guy speaks tight lipped and with a Napolitano deep accent, I mean deep sort of slur language and I honestly can't understand him, I mean, he's also a wise ass. They tell me he drinks a lot of vino! He's bigger than me, so I can't punch him out without also getting punched out.

How do you handle an Italian wise ass? He has all kinds of friends that are mostly hustlers, and gamble a lot and pretty much what I would refer to as bums! I mean, why right off the bat, do some Italians just suddenly hate one another even on first sight. I mean this isn't just my experience.

You got the experience in handling such Italians, do I ignore him or do I insult him back? Victor (I hate being called Vittorio)

Thanks for the Broadway scene, Victor Vittorio.

Of course, we will not advocate violence unless it's violence you encounter and look for. However; believe it or not, there is always space for intellectual reasoning...even with Napolitanos!

Now, we're assuming that you're living in Naples or living in a neighborhood where its culture crash-landed. It doesn't matter. You can still have fun.

Now, Victor, you know very well that the Campania region where Naples is located has about 1 million tons of garbage (give or take a few hundred thousand tons) it still must find a solution for. These people threw everything out in the garbage including the kitchen sinks. Help your Napolitano bully by educating him on the wholesome good he can do for his God forsaken region by going green like his teeth and recycling.

Maybe, then, his garbage won't pile up to the third floor of two-story buildings.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,             
"Only In Italy" Staff      


Bored Germans Ask Italy To Open Benito Mussolini Museum

Benito MussoliniSalÚ - January 28, 2008 - A museum dedicated to Benito Mussolini has been opened in response to requests by German tourists.

The museum in SalÚ, on the shores of Lake Garda, examines the last days of fascism in the town that Mussolini used as his headquarters in the final 19 months of the Second World War.

The Republic of SalÚ was set up by the Nazis after their paratroopers liberated Mussolini from prison in Gran Sasso in September 1943.

From here "Il Duce" spent his time oppressing Italian partisans and Jews.

He even executed Galeazzo Ciano, his own son-in-law.

SalÚ still has resonance for many extreme-Right political parties, including the Tricolour Flame, which refers to it as an ideal in its manifesto.

However, Roberto Chiarini, a State University of Milan history professor who is in charge of the project, denied that the museum would encourage nostalgia for Italy's fascist era.

"At last the demonisation of Mussolini has stopped and we can look seriously at the history," he said.

"Until now there were more than 70 historical institutes in Italy devoted to partisans but not one that looked at SalÚ."

"Cacchio!" The drunken krauts should learn that sometimes, it's best to just let go.

Benny was constantly starting war campaigns he could not win, and the Nazis had to keep bailing him out. So, what drove paratroopers to come in and free Mussolini from prison? Could it be they missed "Il Duce's" shiny and mesmerizing bald head or his incredibly intelligent capacity to lead a lazy military force with almost no tanks or antitank guns?

And let's not forget Mussi was the grand master jokester!

Germans should lower the beer mugs for a just moment, put out the fires and try to comprehend that he "fooled" Hitler into thinking the Italians were better equipped and man powered than they were so Hitler would form an alliance.

Whenever Hitler appeared at any air force military base in Italy, he was shown a fleet of our best fighter planes that did not stall while in mid air and crash. He was impressed. But little did the goose-stomping jackass know that the fleet of fighter planes he saw at each military base would be the SAME planes seen at previous bases. Benny had these planes flown to every base at least a day before a scheduled visit of Hitler.

But the liberation from prison in Gran Sasso would not be the last time the funny man would escape.

After his death, Mussolini was buried in an unmarked grave in Musocco. On Easter Sunday 1946 his body was located and dug up by bored, part-time sheep herding neo-Fascists. Making off with their funny hero, they left a hilarious message on the open grave:

"Finally, O Duce, you are with us. We will cover you with roses, but the smell of your virtue will overpower the smell of those roses."

Benny the jokester was on the loose for months touring Italy. His body was finally 'recaptured' in August, hidden in a small trunk at the Certosa di Pavia, just outside Milan. Two Franciscan brothers were subsequently charged with concealing the corpse.

 

No, The Mass Must Go On

Vatican City - January 24, 2008 - Not even the death of a worshipper was enough to stop Mass in a small church in the northern Italian town of Trento.

Pio Lieta, 86, suffered a fatal heart attack during an early-morning service at the Church of the White Madonna last Sunday.

An ambulance was called, and Mr Lieta, whose name means "pious" in Italian, was pronounced dead at the scene.

However, instead of halting the Mass, Father Mario Peron asked for the body to be covered with a white cloth and left Mr Lieta in the nave of the church while he finished the service.

It is against Italian law to move a body without the authorization of a local magistrate.

"What could I have done?" said Fr Peron afterwards. "The Holy Mass has to be celebrated. It is not right to make an exception for one individual. Only people who do not understand the point of Mass would not understand the logic of my decision. We could not stop. We were united together in church and we prayed for him."

Only a handful of parishioners were present for the early-morning service, and some expressed their surprise at the priest's decision to reporters. "We should have stopped as a sign of respect," said one unnamed worshipper.

Mr Lieta's funeral took place at the same church today, and his family said they were not upset by what had happened.

Father Angelo Lieta, his son and a missionary in Chile, said: "My father would have agreed with the continuation of the Mass. I am only sorry I could not have been there myself."

We're all here, no matter what we are; we're all searching for the truth and trying to make it through this incredibly compassionate world.

Well, everyone except Father Peron. He claims to know the truth.

Believe me, I soul searched...
The parishioners present at the service soul searched...
You're probably soul searching at this very moment...

What's the conclusion?

If we knew all the answers to Father Peron's questions we'd win $64,000.

 

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Venice Waterbus Service Off Limits To Tourists

Venice - January 21, 2008 - A new waterbus service reserved for Venetians only started plying up and down the Grand Canal on Monday, allowing residents to avoid bustling groups of tourists.

The number 3 'vaporetto' line, from the main station to St Mark's Square, has been introduced a week ahead of the Venice carnival, when thousands of tourists are expected to pour into the lagoon city. One of the first passengers on the No.3 was Mayor Massimo Cacciari, who said the initiative would help eliminate the riotous stampedes of tourists and residents during rush hour on the Grand Canal.

There were a few protests earlier this month when it was announced that Venetians were to get their own waterbuses, run for them by crews sporting a distinctive blue rosette on their uniforms.

One local consumers' association compared the 'residents only' rule to the apartheid of "1960s Alabama". Critics also said that launching an untested system just before Carnival, when the entire transport network was under maximum strain, was "incomprehensible".

But generally, residents seemed happy at the innovation, which will put an extra seven boats on Venice's main waterway.

Francesco Trevis, head of a St Mark's Square residents' association, said: "For us workers and residents, not having to stand in queues with tourists for half an hour is certainly positive. They have time to waste. For us it means getting to work every day".

Alabama? Oh, "porca di quella troja", how did the notion of apartheid seep into a lagoon city?

It appears that tourists who spend thousands of hard earned currencies and walk around ankle-deep in water did not read the fine print on their Venice tour guide books where it states that Mayor Massimo Jefferson Davis had declared the city an independent lagoon confederacy:

"In the name of the greatest Italians that ever floated down these canals, I draw the line in the water and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny and I say: Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation for ever."

What if Rosa Parks were alive today to visit the sinking city? Would she have been arrested for refusing to give up her seat for a Venetian? Would she have been told to "go to the back of the vaporetto"?

Italy desperately needs an Italian Martin Luther King Jr to march in support of civil rights for Venice tourists. What a great dream it would be to eat a gelato while riding a fully integrated water bus.

"We are on the move now ... and no wave of racism or a lagoon can stop us."

 

Julian - Julius Caesar's cousin
 
 
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