"Ciao-Ciao!" Welcome to the only newsletter that could convince Pavarotti to lose weight, "Only In Italy!"

"Siamo tornati!" That's right. We're back and here to stay!

We slipped away for a week due to a few matters that needed our utmost attention. We owe a big apologize to all our wonderful readers and to those who wrote to us asking us "What the hell happened? Did the Mafia finally wipe you out?"

No, the Mafia did not axe us (by the way, they send you their best regards). A minestrone of political protests, tech problems due to hackers, and an unexpected wedding kept us away from our devoted duties of informing our readers of what happens in this strange mysterious land called Italy.

So, wipe away the tears, pull yourself together and make yourself a nice hot cup of espresso. We've got some catching up to do so be prepared to receive a couple of issues a day to make up for the lost time.

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti,              
"Only In Italy" Staff       

Pozzuoli - May 1, 2004 - Owing to researchers of Pozzuoli’s CNR Istituto di Chimica Biomolecolare it will now be more difficult to give away «fake bufala: an advanced recognition milk system was designed to ensure the genuineness of the bufala (cow buffaloes) mozzarella.

Although, by law, only mozzarella produced with cow buffalo milk can be defined "mozzarella di bufala campana", in the shops you often find products obtained with buffalo and cow milk mixed together, or even with different milk types.

The previous milk analysis method enabled the highlighting of the lack of cow or another animal’s milk proteins in the buffalo one. The new mechanism, instead, rotates around the analysis of "triglycerides", elements that are common to all types of milk and easily extracted from the same which, once they are melted in apt solvents and analyzed with the method of nuclear magnetic resonance, permit the foolproof indication of the animal species the animal derives from.

"The method for milk distinction ICB-CNR’s researchers point out must naturally be regulated and entered into a general protocol, but results reached so far, which have already been published on two important American magazines in the sector (Journal of Dairy Science and Journal of American Oil Chemical Society) permit us to say that we are not talking of a... "bufala" (also Italian coll. for big blunder»).

"Bravi!" Realize what Italian science has come down to...

They can't find a cure for AIDS, a cure for herpes, a cure for cancer, or anything that ails people. They find a way to use Nuclear Magnetic Resonance to discover what exact kind of mozzarella is on your damn pizza!

Soon, "Carbon 14 Dating" will be used to determine whether you are up to fashion with the Italian designer clothes you're wearing.

Cagliari - April 12, 2004 - The caretaker for the Quartucciu cemetery in Cagliari, Sardegna, was startled when he had apparently found a package containing human bones. An anonymous note was attached to the gruesome find: "These bones, utilized for research purposes, originate from the ossuary of this cemetery and are now being returned.

According to police, the bones apparently showed signs that they were indeed used for anatomical studies.

Hmmm...Who says that Italian kids are lazy and don't study enough?

During the great war, our Uncle Tomasso had to quit school to go work on a goat farm to support his five younger brothers and sisters.

Unfortunately, he did not have the necessary skills needed to milk goats. So, to improve them he would run home and practice by milking his mother twice a day until he perfected it.

Mantova - April 12, 2004 - "I broke out of jail because I wanted to present my girlfriend to my parents." This is what Pier Luigi Berardi, 29, confessed to the police of Rende (Cosenza) of whom he had turned himself in.

The young man was serving a prison sentence for extortion and theft when he had escaped from the prison of Mantova to meet up with his 20-year-old Pakistani girlfriend.

The prisoner was enjoying semi liberty that had been granted to him for good prison conduct: during the day he was allowed to leave for work purposes and returned in the evening. Berardi is scheduled to be released in July 2005. Unfortunately, one evening things went differently and he did not return to the prison.

At the same time, the police received a bulletin of the disappearance of a 20-year-old foreign girl. It wasn't difficult for the investigators to compare the two cases and come to a conclusion.

After a week of silence, the escaped convict had called the police of Rende to announce his restitution. Once at the precinct, Berardi had explained that he just wanted to present his new girlfriend to the family. Not easily convinced, the magistrate ordered full imprisonment to the love bandit.

"Now that's a good Italian boy who is respectful and hasn't lost his true family values...no matter what the circumstances are!

Although; we would have loved to have been in that living room:

"Mamma, Papa...I'm home!"
"I broke out of jail to bring my family wonderful news."
"I present you my new girlfriend."
"No...She's not Italian but it doesn't matter because we're in love."
"Okay, we would really love to argue with you some more but we have got to go!"