"Ooooh, bella Romaaa!" Welcome to the newsletter that backs up Berlusconi's belief that the crisis will end when everyone in the world can afford a facelift. "Only In Italy!"

Your politicians (riff raffs) sound exactly like those here in America! I think your idea about the electric chair is wonderful! I see no use in thinking about moving to Sicily, it's all the same. Keep up the excellent work! Gloria B.

Ciao Gloria, e grazie! You should move to Sicily. It's fun especially if you like dancing. We love it!

Have you ever seen Sicilians square dance? It’s unbelievable! Yee-haw! 

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Rome - March 3, 2010 - Young Italians have their first drink at a lower age than in any other country in the European Union, the health ministry reported Wednesday.

Italians on average consume their first alcoholic beverage by the age of 12 compared to a EU average of 14 and a half, according to the ministry's study on the nation's drinking habits based on data from 2007-2008.

"The low age at which Italians begin to drink is the distinguishing factor between patterns of underage alcohol consumption in Italy with respect to the rest of Europe," said the report.

More than 17.6% of 15-year-olds in Italy said that they drink on a regular or semi-regular basis, which the health ministry says puts them at high risk of alcohol abuse in later life. The report also signaled growing rates of binge drinking, particularly among men between 18-24.

More than one in five in this group said they engage in binge drinking at least once per year.

In past centuries, Italian children would sometimes be given wine to drink in preference to water which was often polluted. Therefore, one would assume the problem doesn't seem so bad - underage kids chugging a beer or two. "Palle", who cares? However; we now have little Italian villains who have developed alcohol-related problems.

And it's not like you're going to find compassion and cooperation from "figli di puttana" bar owners who refuse to act as alcohol monitors for youths. It would be difficult, especially when you have kids roaming around the 'piazza' wearing watches that show every hour as 'Happy Hour'.

Of course, peer pressure will complicate things. It will influence the usual boring issues like how to dress and what music to listen to but it can also have a negative influence on Italian children ages five to eight when family and teachers torment them into selecting a political party. Some Italian kids give in because they want to be liked, to fit in, or because they worry that other kids might harass them for selecting the wrong politician or party.

"Cazzo, center left? Gino, what's wrong with you?"
"Ah, we understand. You're communist...just like your mother."

"GINO IS A COMMUNIST, GINO IS A COMMUNIST!"

Rome - March 2, 2010 - Domenico "Mimmo" Di Carlo could not be said to have embellished his name on the chronicles of Italian football until, that is, last Sunday in the third minute of the second half of Chievo's 2-1 victory over Cagliari in Serie A.

It was at this moment, according to the disciplinary watchdog of the Italian football league, that the Verona club's coach "proffered a blasphemous expression" that was to make him the first victim of a zero-tolerance policy on irreverence.

Di Carlo, whose side narrowly avoided relegation last season, was banned from the touchline for a game after Sunday's outburst. The Italian federation, Federcalcio, decided last month that the time had come for disciplinary action to be taken against players and coaches heard taking God's name in vain. The president, Giancarlo Abete, declared it would "intervene with official decisions to make clear that blasphemy is within the definition of 'offensive, insulting or abusive language' in the rules that warrant sending-off".

Chievo's coach was not the only one caught out; one of his players, Michele Marcolini, was deemed to have said "God" as he left the field after a red card. After scrutiny of TV footage, however, the league judge, Gianpaolo Tosel, was convinced Marcolini had deployed "a slang expression used in Lombardy and the region around Venice with a crude reference to 'Diaz' and not 'Dio' " although no one on the pitch was called Diaz.

"Please would you be so kind as to pass the ball to your teammate? You grandissimo figlio di puttana!"

Hmmm...How did this religious transformation come about? Certainly, the credit cannot go to the divine intervention from the members of the Italian government. After all, it's a bit difficult to find chicken chasers who act as role models for Italian society. The credit goes to Italy’s language police, who are proposing what linguists call "il linguaggio non offensivo" or unoffensive language.

Language manipulation is not new in Italy. The most dedicated splicers, cleansers, and purifiers of the Italian language were Fascist numbskulls lead by a bald muttonhead named Mussolini. Then with the introduction of the Italian "Codice Rocco" of 1930, vulgarity and blasphemy actually became crimes. Italians didn't stop swearing, however (that would be like going to the movies and staying in the lobby). They just made clever word substitutions:

Rather than taking God’s name in vain with a "per Dio!" they would say "per Diana!"
"Porca di quella vacca" (that damn cow) substituted for "Porca puttana" (damn whore).
"Figlio di puttana" (son of a bitch) became the "figlio di buona donna" (son of a good woman).

With that in mind, the Italian football league should make an exception of their zero-tolerance policy with Italian teams that have incompetent Spanish players named Jesus.

The Cassation Court, Italy's highest appeals court whose sentences set legal precedents, upheld a four-year rape conviction against a Ligurian man who skipped out of a hotel without paying for his sex bout.

"There is no doubt," the supreme court justices said, "that the man abused the women and was aware of it".

It was not consensual sex, the judges said, because the sex act was "only committed in light of the fee due". Diego S., 50, compounded his crime by getting the hotel to say he hadn't been there, the court said.

He was ordered to pay Laura S. 2,000 euros as provisional compensation with further damages to be established by a civil court. Diego S. was banned for life from any watchdog agencies and for five years from any other public position. The court did not say what his occupation was.

Prostitution is not illegal in Italy but exploiting it is.

"Prostitution is not illegal in Italy but exploiting it is." Someone please explain to me...air.

Italy is home to 70,000 prostitutes from about 60 different countries who charge an average of 30 euros and generate a turnover of about 90 million Euros a month, thanks to doing business with around nine million clients.

Here are your typical client profiles:

"Il Cornuto" (the most frequent profile):
- He simply wakes up one morning and decides it's time to cheat on his wife. He does so with a woman who is married, as this lowers the possibility of blackmail of one towards the other.
- He's a father as well as a husband.
- His wife may learn of the rat bastard's affair (in fact, she may even look for one of her own). So many husbands and wives in Italy maintain extramarital affairs for it is considered almost "normal".

"Signore Doppia Vita" (Mr. double life):
- He's not extremely young, mid 30's, possibly older, and either married or seriously involved.
- He meets a young single woman (25 - 30) who he begins to date. The son of a bitch doesn't bother mentioning to her that he's married or involved, and he may even maintain a second apartment where he takes the young woman, who sincerely believes that the he is single, and dedicated exclusively to her.

"Il Minchione Annoiato" (the annoyed peckerhead):
- He's likely over 40.
- He goes on one or two vacations every year, perhaps with the "ragazzi" (other losers), to places like Thailand where sexual tourism is inexpensive.
- The "minchione" risks bringing home a STD to his wife.

"Il Porco" (the pig):
- Typically younger (30 - 45)
- The pig attempts to conquer any pretty woman who happens to cross his path (work, restaurant, bar, funeral).
- He's the owner of a small business, a practice or professional studio, and broads who are anything less than beautiful need not apply for jobs in his office.
- He becomes delusional when he thinks that his unwelcome advances make him worthy of conquests, and he occasionally lures a woman into his trap. (Believe it or not, in Italy, sexual harassment of this kind is considered normal and rarely becomes a legal issue.